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I saw this very silly story online a while back, and I wish I could find it now.

A tabletop gaming geek gets pulled into a world that literally operates on D&D mechanics, summoned up by a spell to act as an advisor to a nation that's on the brink of destruction. He starts advising their wizards to use every weird game-mechanics exploit ever invented, including some truly epic creative uses of portable holes and pocket dimensions, until they end up defeating all the bad guys and a few evil gods for good measure.

I think my favorite part was where they invented a device where a wizard could conjure up a ridiculously powerful monster, and a random peasant could pull a lever that causes the device to kill the monster instantly, which then causes the peasant to gain something like 30 levels all at once. (Unfortunately, our protagonist, not being from around here, is unable to gain EXP or level up, and so is the only person around who cannot benefit from this!)

At one point he manages to trick an evil wizard into destroying himself by telling him he can summon up a very powerful weapon by using a polymorph spell to turn a stone into something called "antimatter".

He also contrives up a scenario in which he gets access to a Wish. When he tries to come up with a scheme in which he can use it to wish for infinite wishes, one of the Gods intervenes and tells him in no uncertain terms that this will not be tolerated, so instead he wishes for some truly epic abuses of the rules that essentially end up with the potential to do away with all scarcity of resources in the kingdom. (Apparently the Gods are just fine with that?)

Does anyone have any idea what this story is and where I could find it again?

  • BTW just in case anyone was going to say "Erfworld," it's not Erfworld. That's a webcomic; this is a textual story. – Mason Wheeler Nov 29 '16 at 0:31
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    I was definitely thinking Erfworld, until I started reading about the particular exploits he used ;) – Steve-O Nov 29 '16 at 0:45
  • Also asked at what.thedailywtf.com/post/1048378 – FuzzyBoots Nov 29 '16 at 2:21
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    @FuzzyBoots Yeah, I thought of it because of a conversation that was going on over there, then had trouble finding it so I asked here. :P – Mason Wheeler Nov 29 '16 at 12:30
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    If you enjoy this kind of story, Roger M. Wilcox's "Intercontinental Union of Disgusting Characters" stories are similar, set in the days of AD&D. rogermwilcox.com/adnd – LAK Nov 29 '16 at 20:59
10

This is The Two-Year Emperor by David K. Storrs.

Jake is a 40 year old programmer who has been yanked to the land of Flobovia and made ruler of said country, due to a quirk in local law. He is thus in the unique position to be the de facto dictator of about thirty million citizens and having to deal with the invading army of Deorsi.

.....

Game Breaker: Jake had multiple so bad they necessitated divine intervention.
- Infinite Wishes + Freeing The Genie, in a sense. Vetoed but only for the last maybe six thousand years.
- Infinite Money. No veto.
- Infinite Spells bought from NPCs, or rather buying spells in the market in a capacity completely untenable for the population, let alone the market, to provide. Vetoed.

It was an ally (of sorts) who did the antimatter transformation:

His thoughts were interrupted—finally!—by the arrival of a tiny, ghostly bird. It flew up, hovered in front of him and spoke in Thomas's voice.

"Now."

Isaac surged to his feet, momentarily forgetting the cold in his excitement. This was it! His moment of triumph! The moment when he became a hero, when everyone finally recognized that his intelligence was just as important—more important!—than the bulging muscles and handsome faces of the other boys from his village. The moment when he proved that the son of a farmer could be just as important, just as worthwhile, as the Count's son in his big house up on the hill, with all his silks and horses and good looks that set the girls swooning.

He could have cast the spell while squatting down, sheltered from the wind, but no. This moment should happen on his feet, standing tall! He was changing history here, and he would do it proudly!

Gleefully, he set the bag on the ground, opening it to reveal the soccer-ball-sized rock inside. The arctic wind whipped his robes and beard around him as he straightened up, glancing once more at the paper even though the words were firmly engraved in his photographic memory.

"Polymorph Any Object: rock to six grams of antimatter osmium!"

The monster-killing device is the FLEA:

"Ladies and gentlemen!" I called, forcing myself not to say "...and children of all ages!" This was, after all, a bit of a circus that I was about to enact. "Welcome to the first test of the Flobovian Level Enhancement Apparatus! FLEA is intended to help every one of you be all that you can be! See those worms? In just a moment, I'm going to ask you lot"—I waved at the more experienced magi, implicitly excluding the group of first-levelers standing to one side—"to Polymorph those worms into fire giants. Everyone ready?" A sussurance of puzzled but willing 'yes'es rolled through the crowd. I called across to Franklin and Kaelan and got another set of 'yes'es.

"Ok, on three. One, two, three!" I called, dropping my hand in a starting signal.

"Polymorph Any Object: Worm to Fire Giant!" they all cried, pointing at the worms. The iron platform across from us was suddenly crowded with thirty-four very confused Fire Giants.

The giants looked around, trying to figure out what was happening. Seeing us, one of them roared and started to shift his weight, only to be interrupted by a trembling teenage voice calling, "Shrinken!"

The tipped-over Wall of Iron that the Fire Giants were standing on was suddenly yanked out from under their feet, becoming a tiny piece of iron foil attached to a pole, well off to the side. The pole held the foil securely so that it didn't fall once it was unsupported. Sadly, the Giants had no such support themselves now that they were hanging in midair, again with great confusion. They didn't have long to be confused; before any of them could react, they plummeted groundwards...

...right onto the Permanencied Wall of Force that had been carefully bent back and forth between the two Walls of Iron, forming a series of infinitely sharp, utterly invisible pleats onto which the Fire Giants fell.

The (pardon me) giant creatures were chopped into sashimi, instantly reverting to normal sized earthworms.

"Ohmygod!" Kaelan gasped. "I...I know ninth level spells!"

It's actually improved upon in the next chapter to grant sixty levels at a time.

Since you accepted the answer, I'm not going to go through and extract more quotes, but it's pretty definite that it's the answer. The author has it available for download off of his Patreon page.

  • I'll post more when I get home. – FuzzyBoots Nov 29 '16 at 2:33
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    That's it! Thanks! – Mason Wheeler Nov 29 '16 at 3:02
  • @FuzzyBoots hm. The linked story doesn't have that passage the way you wrote it, nor do they get sixty levels in the following chapter. Do you have access to a different edition??? – Broklynite Dec 2 '16 at 14:25
  • @Broklynite: Really? That's Chapter 58 for me with chapter 59 having them enhance it to summon more deadly monsters, Gray Linnorms. And downloading it off of his Patreon site, that still matches up. – FuzzyBoots Dec 2 '16 at 14:41
  • @FuzzyBoots hm. I must be mixing it up with something from far earlier in the book which similarly began with the exact same joke. My apologies for the confusion. – Broklynite Dec 2 '16 at 15:05

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