I've searched several different ways and I find what look like they could be references to the line I am thinking of, but I can't find an authoritative reference.

I am remembering an audio media story circa mid 1970's that could have been a radio play or possibly an album or single and possibly performed by The Firesign Theatre or some similar group.

These types of works were listened to in situations where memory was detrimentally impacted.

The only thing I remember now is (most of) the last line:

That's no (inanimate object), that's my WIFE!

The inanimate object was a chair or a toaster or a radio or something mundane. For some reason I think it might have been three syllables long.

Addressing topicality as science fiction, I am 90%+ sure that at some point during the story the main character's wife was transformed into the inanimate object via some technology. The exclamation of surprise upon recognizing that the inanimate object was originally the main character's wife is a good clue that she was not an inanimate object when they were first married.

  • 2
    If it is indeed "No Anchovies Please" by the J. Geils Band then the story is sort of sci fi + comedy
    – djm
    Jul 29, 2019 at 13:43

1 Answer 1


This might be the 'song' (it's actually spoken-word) called No Anchovies, Please by J. Geils Band. It can be found on YouTube. It's on their Love Stinks album from 1980, but maybe it was on the radio earlier?

Meanwhile, back in Portland, Maine... her husband Don, now chain-smoking 40 packs of cigarettes a day, sits at a Local bar and has a few beers with the regulars. Bored, everyone's attention turns to the television set that just hangs from the wall. ("Welcome to Bowling for Dollars"). Suddenly, crazy Al says, "S-say, Don, There sure is something familiar about that bowling ball. " To which a terrified Don replies, "Oh my God! That bowling ball! It's my wife!"

It can qualify as science fiction, because it involves :

three scientists who are engaged in diabolical, avant-garde experiments previously performed only on insects and other small, meaningless creatures

  • 2
    you beat me by 11 seconds! I was going to say the same thing
    – djm
    Jul 29, 2019 at 13:41
  • 2
    Ah, yes, this of course is exactly it, anchovies and all; thanks! 1980 fits too, it was all such a blur back then...
    – uhoh
    Jul 29, 2019 at 15:54

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