This was a book from over 20 years ago [pre-2000 likely pre-1990] (I recall reading it while growing up and the book looked old then too). The book was printed on cheap paper and it had that old book smell.

It followed a couple of guys(I have the feeling that they were white, the person who built the ship and his friend/colleague who brings his girlfriend? ) and I think a gal. One or two of them were either inventors or professors or something like that. It mostly focused on the guys but at one point I think the girl gets separated from the group for a bit. The main unique thing I recall about the book was that their spaceship ran off of Heinz 57 varieties (57? 52?) and apparently the different foods had different properties. It was something like a spaceship powered by cans of beans and another used the repulsion effect of onions? They end up going through a bunch of adventures as they make their way through space as their ship breaks and they got to figure a way around. As you can tell by the fact that they have a spaceship powered by beans? and aliens who have technology based off of the 57 varieties, the story is not serious at all and it was mostly them trying to survive the situations they kept getting into. The book was written in English. The setting was only briefly on earth but quickly they end up in space and (outside of our solar system meet aliens) I think other worlds. The story starts on Earth. I think they were in a lab and they receive some parts for the ship the next day's launch.

I am not sure if this is from this story but the aliens they got captured by wore masks over their noses because their sexual organ was their noses (which could engorge). They were offended by the fact that the humans didn't cover their faces. But eventually, the humans sorta got on their good side. Also, they made the claim that the earth was a dumping ground for their biowaste and thus was responsible for life on earth.

I recall that the Heinz 57 varieties were mentioned by name but it was only mentioned a few times.

  • 3
    An interesting one. Did it specifically mention Heinz by name, or was it more satirically implied?
    – Valorum
    Jan 5, 2022 at 1:52
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    it referred to Heinz by name Jan 5, 2022 at 1:58
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  • 5
    @Valorum: Oh my heavenly days... I thought I just dreamed that up. My poor mother must have walked that grocery aisle several times before she could convince me that the "catsup that turns into a spaceship" that I saw on TV wasn't there, and was probably an invention of the commercial.
    – FuzzyBoots
    Jan 5, 2022 at 2:42
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    Wonder who they've been farting in the general direction of Jan 5, 2022 at 19:48

3 Answers 3


This is a tentative identification, since I haven't read it, and I've only discovered it by googling, but might you be looking for Dr. Dimension (1993) by John DeChancie and David Bischoff?

Cover of "Dr. Dimension"

There's a preview available at Google Books that has enough to see the alien talking to the heroes about Heinz Fifty-seven Varieties:

[...] Okay, forget the jokes. Here's how it is... In the beginning, there was Darkness, Nothingness, Chaos, and Heinz Fifty-seven Varieties..."

There is also the reference to noses that you mention:

Apparently, the Proons had their male procreative features where humans had their noses. It was a most startling and disconcerting sight.

  • Yes! This is it, Thank you! Jan 6, 2022 at 5:01

This is JUMPING THE NAUGHTY PILOTS ON JUPITER: Book Five: The Sexploitation of Space (2017) by Wilde Mann.

From Goodreads:

Hot. Horny. Temptation,

Roger and Stern were staring at six long months in space on assignment for NASA with no female companionship on the horizon when three tiny space ships streaked past them and landed on Europa.

Turned out three of the lovely young cadets from the Space Shuttle Heinz 57 Varieties were out joy riding and had rendezvoused on the Moon of Jupiter. They came on board Roger and Stern’s spaceship and soon found themselves being punished for their misdemeanors.

Stern and Roger will only too happy to deliver the spankings that the girls’ employers, Mitzi and Ditzi Heinz wanted administered to the girls’ voluptuous bottoms.

The guys were also happy to avail themselves of the pleasures presented by three bare asses and three willing, open mouths...

If you like your sexy space stories full of humor and fun, you’re going to love Wilde Mann’s latest adventure on Jupiter. Hit the Buy button and see if you get as moist and excited as these five did!

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    Not quite it, I am absolutely certain that it was written before 2005. Also, the ship's name didn't have Heinz in it. Jan 5, 2022 at 2:19
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    Sooooo, there are at least two different stories about Heinz 57 spaceships - coincidence, plagiarism, or ... someone's marketing idea?
    – davidbak
    Jan 5, 2022 at 2:43
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    The number of Heinz varieties + the number of Baskin-Robbins ice cream flavors = the number of keys on a piano = the number of Earth days it takes Mercury to go around the sun. Coincidence?
    – user14111
    Jan 5, 2022 at 7:20
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    I am not sure why this answer has upvotes for a 4 (5?) year old book when the question clearly states 20+ years old. Jan 5, 2022 at 19:51
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    @coppereyecat: Pretty sure this is an intentional joke answer, and the upvotes are presumably because they found it funny (or a recommendation they wanted to check out :). Jan 6, 2022 at 4:39

It's probably not this one, but my first thought was Ketchup Power and the Starship Meatloaf (1997):

Cover of Ketchup Power and the Starship Meatloaf

The crew of the Starship Meatloaf travels from the year 6789 to the present in order to find the lost recipe for ketchup, the fuel of the future. As they move back in time, the crew members become kids. They enroll in an elementary school where they join a home ec class in hopes of making lots of ketchup-soaked meatloaves to fuel their spaceship back to the future. Standing in the way of their secret mission are Beula and Bertha Butterman, two evil lunchroom ladies with an appetite for meatloaf and suspicions about what the new kids in the school are up to. This is one of two Starship Meatloaf titles. Both will be published in October 1997.

(source: Amazon listing)

I'm pretty sure both books take place on Earth, and I don't remember any aliens, so it's not a perfect match.

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