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In series 6, The Doctor lies that he told River his name (which River falsifies in the end of the episode). Yet in The Name of The Doctor she knows The Doctor's real name and even opens The Doctor's tomb with it. Also, The Tenth Doctor says that there was only one situation where he could possibly tell her his name. What of it?
So where, when & how exactly does River come to know The Doctor's name?
Unknown. We don't even know what that "one situtation" is.
We can make some guesses, though. We do know that a large part of the relationship between River and the Doctor was not shown. In particular, we know that although River spent her days in Stormcage, she spent her nights with the Doctor. And, we can probably guess, they - erm - consummated their relationship at some point during those nights. And it's at least plausible that the "one situation" refers to precisely that moment, in which case it's highly doubtful that we'll ever see it on screen.
It seems it is still unknown, but...
At the end of The Wedding of River Song, River comes to Amy, at her Garden:
RIVER: Okay. I'm going to tell you what I probably shouldn't. The Doctor's last secret. Don't you want to know what he whispered in my ear?
AMY: He whispered his name.
RIVER: Not his name, no.
AMY: Yes, it was. He said it was.
RIVER: Rule One?
AMY: The Doctor lies.
RIVER: So do I, all the time. Have to. Spoilers. Pretending I don't know you're my mother, pretending I don't recognise a space suit in Florida.
AMY: What did he whisper in your ear?
RIVER: Oh, that man. He's always one step ahead of everyone. Always a plan.
AMY: River, what did he tell you? River.
River didn't tell...
BUT... In the following scene, the Doctor reveals to Dorium how he escaped death.
[Charnel house]
DORIUM: Is it you? It is, isn't it. It is you, I can sense it. But how did you do it? How could you possibly have escaped?
[Calisto B space bar]
CARTER [memory]: Is there nothing else we can do?
(The Doctor leaves, then pops back again with a big grin on his face.)
DOCTOR: Actually, thinking about it
[Receptor room]
(What the Doctor whispered was -)
DOCTOR: Look into my eye.
(The Doctor waves at River from the eyeball of the Teselecta.)
The episode clearly states that the Doctor did not tell River his name during the wedding. He told her to look into his eye. Of course, we can argue that THAT assumption is also a lie, but I think that would going too far down the rabbit hole.
(Rory and Amy move away from the Doctor, and let River approach.)
DOCTOR: Find her. Find River Song and tell her something from me.
RIVER: Tell her what?
(The Doctor whispers in her ear.)
RIVER: Well, I'm sure she knows.
(The Doctor is dead.)
There are people who argue that telling River his name would not drive her into saving him. But, as you can see in the clip, the Doctor whispers for about 5-6 seconds. I think he could have easily said this:
Tell her that my name is [tells his name] and that I love her.
River sighs as if he said something emotional (I love her) and she smiles while answering to something obvious (That River girl surely knows you love her and most certainly knows your name).
RIVER: Well, I'm sure she knows.
Telling her that he loves her would certainly drive her into saving him. He could have also slipped his name during the whispering.
PLUS, it makes sense that he told on the moment of his "death" since he really seemed to think that he would die. And it also supports the claim of the 10th Doctor in Forest of the Dead:
DOCTOR: River, you know my name.
COMPUTER: Autodestruct in ten
DOCTOR: You whispered my name in my ear.
COMPUTER: Nine, eight, seven
DOCTOR: There's only one reason I would ever tell anyone my name. There's only one time I could.
RIVER: Hush, now.
Of course, this could mean he would only tell her if he married her. Actually, I thought that when I first watched this. But still... He could be thinking that he would only tell her on the brink of death.
Well, that was a long post. I hope I have clearly shared my ideas about this question.
I've always felt he told River his name in the episode Let's Kill Hitler when 11 whispers in her ear (as he's dying) which 10 makes us believe is the only time he can tell anyone his name. River responds with:
Well I'm sure she already knows that
(speaking of her future self and not knowing). That scenario always satisfied me on this question.
According to what River said, she learned the Doctors name and got his old screwdriver when the doctor last saw her. She even said that he cried because he knew it was her time to go to the library ( where she died ) so he told her his name so Tenth (David Tennant) would believe her and for her to have the screwdriver she held on the library. Plus River said that the doctor had a different face, and according to the mini-episode series Night and the Doctor: (1.1 "Bad Night"; 1.2 "Good Night"; 1.3 "First Night"; 1.4 "Last Night"; 1.5 "Up All Night") it was the 11th (Matt Smith).
He whispers it in her ear during The Wedding of River Song.
DOCTOR: Amy, uncuff me now. Okay, I need a strip of cloth about a foot long. Anything will do. Never mind.
(The Doctor takes off his bow tie.)
DOCTOR: River, take one end of this. Wrap it around your hand, and hold it out to me.
RIVER: What am I doing?
DOCTOR: As you're told. Now, we're in the middle of a combat zone, so we'll have to do the quick version. Captain Williams, say I consent and gladly give.
RORY: To what?
DOCTOR: Just say it. Please.
RORY: I consent and gladly give.
DOCTOR: Need you to say it too, mother of the bride.
AMY: I consent and gladly give.
DOCTOR: Now River, I'm about to whisper something in your ear, and you have to remember it very, very carefully, and tell no one what I said.
(He whispers something very short.)
DOCTOR: I just told you my name. Now, there you go, River Song. Melody Pond. You're the woman who married me. And wife, I have a request. This world is dying and it's my fault, and I can't bear it another day. Please, help me. There isn't another way.
RIVER: Then you may kiss the bride.
DOCTOR: I'll make it a good one.
RIVER: You'd better.
Also, here's the official Youtube video of this scene:
Of course, he could have been lying, but there's currently no reason to believe that he was, and as far as I know no other episode in which he claimed to have told her his real name. If he had already told her in Let's Kill Hitler, this dialogue wouldn't make a lot of sense.
First, a detail: I have not seen The Time of the Doctor, so I do not know if additional information was supplied therein.
The simple answer is that we do not know. River's method of learning the Doctor's name has not yet been shown or explained on-screen. It is strongly implied that she knew it before she died in the Library, however, as it's the Doctor's explanation for why he trusts her. On the other hand, "the Doctor [as written by Steven Moffat...] Lies", so...
This might seem to contradict the common understanding that the Doctor's encounters with River are in opposite orders on their timelines, but there is considerable evidence that they merely meet out of order, with most encounters being "the other way around". As such, there remains plenty of time for River to learn the Doctor's name in his future.
I have rather conflicted ideas about this. One idea is that he says "tell River" and whispers "I love you" to River in Lets Kill Hitler, hence her reaction. But then again, he might have said that and then whispered "I love her and that my name is ***" It would fit with her reaction and response and also would fit with 10's response with the only situation being when the doctor was dying.
Then again, he might have told her his name AND look into my eyes when he married her. Both River and the Doctor lies, so maybe they only showed us one part of the whispering?
I have a strong feeling that it was when River gave away her regenerations to save the doctor in the episode 'Let's Kill Hitler'. For one, his name is obviously very important and it has to be an extremely important event to be able to reveal his true name. Plus, when 10 was handcuffed and watching River sacrifice herself, he was completely devastated which I think was because he knew that she was time lord, he knew that he could only give it to her when she gives her regenerations to him.
It could have been on Demons Run that she learned his name. There is Gallifrayian writing on the cot. One would assume that since she’s part Time Lord, that she would know the language. I mean, she knows it doesn’t translate.
And the Doctor told Amy that it was his.
Then again, the Doctor lies.
Side note - But that also confuses me. She said “Oh, your cot. Haven’t seen that in a very long while.” BUT it was a flesh avatar newborn Melody that was there when he dug it out of the TARDIS, so when would River have seen it...? 🤔
Several years along, the best guess is that she learned his name during the twenty-four years of their "last night together" spent at the Singing Towers of Darillium, as shown at the end of The Husbands of River Song. This is the event described by River in Silence in the Library / Forest of the Dead, the first time she was seen in the series.
River Song: Funny thing is, this means you've always known how I was going to die. All the time we've been together, you knew I was coming here. The last time I saw you, the real you, the future you, I mean, you turned up on my doorstep, with a new haircut and a suit. You took me to Darillium to see the Singing Towers. What a night that was. The Towers sang, and you cried... You wouldn't tell me why, but I suppose you knew it was time. My time. Time to come to the library. You even gave me your screwdriver. That should have been a clue.
He told her his name in the let's kill Hitler episode. The only time that Ten would think that he would tell River his name is when he dies, as his name is the thing that opens the door to his tomb, and therefore the last thing he would do before he dies. Ten knows about Trenzalore, as in the Time of the Doctor, he acknowledges and looks scared when Eleven tells him that they are going to Trenzalore. Thus this suggests he knows something about how it requires his name to open it.
In Let's kill Hitler, the Doctor thinks that he is dying, thus he would tell his name to River Song, to open his tomb
