Since Voltaire claims the quotes were mostly based on fan input and his own recollection of the series, I was wondering if it would be possible to get all the episodes together that contain the scenes that the song is based on.

This is the version from the album BiTrektual:

Well, I was stranded on a planet, just me and Spock
We met a nasty Nazi alien, he locked our asses up
We found a hunk of crystal and a metal piece of bed
We made a laser phaser gun and shot him in the head!

I think I remember a episode where Kirk and Spock build a phaser gun from scraps, but I have no clue which episode it could be.

Well, I was standing on the bridge when Sulu came to me
His eyes were full of tears, he said, "Captain, can't you see?
The ship is gonna blow, do something, I beseech!"
I grabbed a tribble and some chewing gum and stopped the warp core breach

Absolutely, no or?

And I said, Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish
That's the way we do things...

Any idea anyone?

And if you're at a party on the starship Enterprise
And the karaoke player just plain old up and dies
Set up a neutrino field inside a can of peas
Hold on to Geordi's visor and sing into Data's knees

No, for sure I have never seen this! I would remember that! Is any of that based on any "real" Star Trek stuff?

Sisko's on a mission to go no bloody place
He loiters on a space station above Bajoran space
The wormhole opened up and now they come from near and far
We'll keep the booze but please send back the f—ing Jem’Hadar

That’s DS9 ok, but is there anything else to grab in there?

And what is with the Klingons? Remember, in the day
They looked like Puerto Ricans and they dressed in gold lamé
Now they look like heavy metal rockers from the dead
With leather pants and frizzy hair and lobsters on their heads

Ok, I get that.

Well, I was stuck on Voyager, pounding on the door
When suddenly it dawned on me I've seen this show before
Perhaps I'm in a warp bubble slightly out of phase
'Cause it was way back in the sixties when they called it "Lost in Space"

Loved that series as well!

We were looking for a way to make the ratings soar
So we orchestrated an encounter with the Borg
Normally you'd think that that would get us into shit
But this one has a smashing ass and a lovely set of tits

Ok, that is Season 4 Voyager when 7 of 9 gets introduced.

Well then they got a new show and it's called Enterprise
And it takes place a hundred years before Kirk was alive
They say that it's a prequel or so that's what it's called
It's such a bad idea you'd swear that Lucas was involved

Lucas? What did I miss? George Lucas?

They have a Vulcan female but she's a nervous wreck
Her ass is sweet as Seven's only green so what the heck
They're in the past but Klingons have those lobsters on their heads
I'm more confused than Wesley Crusher nude in Tasha's bed

Wesley Crusher nude in Tasha's bed??? Ok, I must have missed or suppressed that completely!

Well it would seem a big wig up at Paramount
Must have felt the franchise was stale by all accounts
Cause he hired J. J. Abrams to give the thing a shove
I feared that he would mock and mangle everything I love
Well I went to the movie and there much to my shock
There were hunky models playing Kirk and Spock
Vulcan's been destroyed and the timeline has been crushed
So someone tell me why I love this film so fucking much

Ok, this one is easy, there are not that many movies...

What does God need with a starship?


Thanks for helping out! The song is on YouTube if that helps...


3 Answers 3


"What does God need with a starship?" is from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

"They have a Vulcan female But she's a nervous wreck" - Likely a reference to T'Pol who suffered mental illness as a result of exposure to trellium

"Klingons have those lobsters on their heads I'm more confused than Wesley Crusher nude in Tasha's bed" - Wesley never slept with Tasha. I think this is a reference to the fact that Trek : Enterprise Klingons had ridged foreheads whereas those in TOS did not

"It's such a bad idea you'd swear that Lucas was involved" - This one is a bit harsh, but Enterprise is the only recent Trek show to be prematurely cancelled. “Lucas” is indeed George Lucas, who made prequels to his Star Wars trilogy which were widely derided.

"Perhaps I'm in a warp bubble slightly out of phase" - I think they've gotten confused with TNG: Remember Me where Dr Crusher gets stuck in a Static Warp Bubble

"The wormhole opened up and now they come from near and far, We'll keep the booze" - This is a reference to DS9: Rules of Acquisition where the Ferengi attempt to buy wine from the Dosi, a client species of the Dominion.

"Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish" - This happened several times in both Voyager (to open a path to fluidic space) and TNG (as a weapon against the borg)

"Just me and Spock We met a nasty Nazi alien / We made a laser phaser gun " - A reference to TOS : Patterns of Force, an episode where the Enterprise crew encounter nazi space aliens

  • 3
    The fourth season of Enterprise explains in-universe the "we do not speak of it" dissonance between Klingon foreheads with and without "lobsters".
    – Lexible
    Commented Aug 25, 2014 at 21:16
  • 7
    Re: "More confused than Wesley nude in Tasha's bed": I assume it's because he would have no idea how he got there or what to do; i.e. very confused. Commented May 8, 2015 at 21:03
  • 1
    Widely derided prequels, that's true...but there are also those pesky "improvements" to Episodes IV-VI.
    – Praxis
    Commented May 9, 2015 at 17:51
  • 1
    As far as I can tell, the whole "Perhaps I'm in a warp bubble slightly out of phase" thing is just trek-style technobabble to say that maybe he's slipped into an alternate universe where the Voyager premise is original instead of being a rip-off of Lost in Space.
    – Iker
    Commented Oct 10, 2016 at 10:14
  • 1
    @Iker - Given that they're referenced specific episodes elsewhere in the song, it seems far more likely that they're also referring to an episode rather than spouting generic treknobabble.
    – Valorum
    Commented Oct 10, 2016 at 10:43

The party on the Starship Enterprise sounds a lot like the TNG episode "The Next Phase" where Ro and Geordi are presumed dead but are really just out of phase with the rest of the crew (and therefore invisible to them) after mucking around with some cloaking technology. The Enterprise crew decides to throw a party-style funeral for their "fallen" shipmates. However, Geordi and Ro attend the party while still invisible, and they find a way to make their presence known by creating an energy field that Data eventually notices. When they come back to reality, they're huddled on the ground together, Ro grabbing hold of Geordi, and Data standing over them.

  • 1
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    – Politank-Z
    Commented Oct 27, 2017 at 18:53

We found a hunk of crystal and a metal piece of bed
We made a laser phaser gun and shot him in the head!

This is actually a direct reference to the episode "The City on the Edge of Forever" from Star Trek: The Original Series.

  • 2
    For those of us who haven't seen it (yeah, shoot me), I would suggest to edit your post to say how it matches :) (can be a brief summary of the episode, a clip, etc)
    – Jenayah
    Commented Mar 6, 2019 at 2:18
  • ....I have no idea how this relates to City on the Edge of Forever @Jenayah - maaaaybe the hunk of crystal is The Guardian of Forever?
    – NKCampbell
    Commented Mar 6, 2019 at 2:22
  • @NKCampbell not having seen the episode (...nor much of ST stuff for that matter) it looked like a possible answer, but as you're obviously more knowledgeable than I am in this matter, I'll refer to your judgment about it being a NAA or not :)
    – Jenayah
    Commented Mar 6, 2019 at 2:36
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    Your answer is incorrect, the scene in question is from Patterns of Force as stated in the original answer. "The transponders have rubidnium crystals inside, which can be used to excite light and create a laser.* Spock uses Kirk’s back as a table to get to the incandescent bulb in their cell, and after a few moments the light is transformed by the crystal into a metal-cutting laser that breaks the lock on their door." from tor.com/2010/06/04/lemgstar-treklemg-re-watch-patterns-of-force Commented Mar 6, 2019 at 2:39

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