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OK. We can agree that comic book Batman always gets the bad guy, but sometimes he gets nicked and dinged during the encounter. It's a common thing to see Alfred tending (or trying to tend) his injuries. How does multimillionaire playboy Bruce Wayne protect his secret identity and manage to distract or hide from his business associates and other aquantainces that it frequently appears that his face was smacked by a sack of hammers, or that he can barely move until his broken ribs knit back together? Black eyes can take weeks to go away. Broken ribs take even longer to heal. Split lips heal faster, but with the frequency of Batman's fisticuffs, the chances are that Bruce would have what would appear to be an everlasting fat lip.

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    This is why nobody notices. – Alfredo Hernández Mar 16 '15 at 23:53
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    Mr. Wayne is indisposed, he is in Aruba, he arrived early and will remain seated throughout the meeting, you just missed him, he is nursing a terrible hangover, a bad sunburn, he was hit in the face by an errant racquetball, he was thrown from his horse, he can only stay for a moment and won't take off his coat, he threw his back out last night in circumstances best left unspecified, a young lady took offense and threw a champagne bottle with admirable precision, that's him in the distance trotting up those stairs in his signature blue suit... Child's play. – Beta Mar 17 '15 at 0:05
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    Drugs. Really. In batman beyond, his body is a complete wreck and his kidneys (or was that liver) toast due to painkiller use iirc. Citation needed but that's why this is a comment – Journeyman Geek Mar 17 '15 at 1:24
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    The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. – phantom42 Mar 17 '15 at 1:48
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    Sometimes, when Alfred's expertise was not enough, Bruce would need a real doctor to patch him up. The medical notes would be... interesting, as this article speculates. – Royal Canadian Bandit Mar 17 '15 at 9:50
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Alfred- Master Wayne, you can not appear before the board in this condition.

Bruce- Fine, tell them I took one of my girls to my private island in the Maldives.

Alfred- We used that excuse last month, Sir.

Bruce- Tell them it's with a different girl!

(Justice League vol 2 "The Villain's Journey")

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This exact question was discussed in Batman Begins (2005). After one of Bruce's first excursions into Gotham as The Batman, he woke up covered in bruises & cuts, which begged the following discussion between he and Alfred:

Wayne glances at the paper. Gets out of bed, bare-chested. Alfred sees BRUISES across his torso and arms.

ALFRED: If those are to be the first of many injuries, it would be wise to find a suitable excuse. Polo, for instance.

Wayne throws Alfred a look.

WAYNE: I’m not learning polo, Alfred.

ALFRED: Strange injuries, a nonexistent social life... these things beg the question of what, exactly, Bruce Wayne does with his time. And his money.

Wayne considers this.

In short, both Bruce and Alfred have become rather practiced at making up mundane excuses for injuries and absences. On the occasions where an explanation wouldn't work, Bruce simply "disappeared" for whatever reason, with Alfred covering for him.

In Batman vs. Predator, for example, Bruce was forced to spend several days recovering from his first encounter with the Predator. When Batman failed to answer the Bat Signal for several days, Commissioner Gordon began calling the wealthy and influential of Gotham, hoping that one would know about the missing Batman. Alfred explained to Gordon that Bruce had left town until things (the Predator's murders) had calmed down.

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    TIL that Batman vs. Predator is a thing that exists. Thank you, Omegacron. – KSmarts Mar 17 '15 at 17:58
  • @KSmarts there's also a couple of Batman vs. Aliens. I highly recommend 'em all. Batman vs. Aliens 2 actually has alien-hybrid versions of the Batman rogues. – Omegacron Mar 17 '15 at 18:00
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He crashed the Porsche and needs surgery. Surprised?

Hush

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